Handling Irritants
February 18, 2010
A while back, I was talking with an extraordinarily successful leader about his company. As often happens with astute leaders, the conversation eventually swung to the quality of his leadership team. He has been working hard to improve the prospects of his business despite the challenges in his market – and that includes both getting clear on strategy and raising the game for his team members.
At one point, he paused mid-sentence and blurted out something that obviously had been bugging him for a while:
I know how to keep my team moving toward our goals. But how do I handle the irritating things that my team members do on a regular basis?
That got me thinking, because let’s face it, we all get irritated plenty. Sometimes people have little quirks and mannerisms that bother us. Sometimes they hold views that irk us. And I’ll bet people would have the same thing to say about each of us as well. (In fact, this same leader went on to say, “You irritate me sometimes, Ted!” Tell me about it… get in line!)
So here are my thoughts on how to handle irritants so that they don’t get in the way of important strategic work (and anyone who has been with a leadership team when trying to discern strategic direction knows irritants can affect how well those exercises go):
- Hijack your own brain. When you find yourself irritated, ask yourself a question that gets you out of knee-jerk response mode. Something like, “What is important to that person right now?” works sometimes. Distract yourself with something more productive. Maybe even ask, “How am I contributing to this person being so irritating right now? What am I doing/not doing to reinforce this situation?”
- Ask yourself, “Is it worth it?” If you’re getting worked up, just check to be sure it’s worth it – or if you’re engaging in your own irritating habit of making a big deal about little things. This is also a great question to ask before commenting on the irritating behavior – either to the person directly or behind their backs.
- The “G” Word – As much as others irritate me (and believe me, they do), I know that I’m that irritating person for somebody too. (Maybe even two somebody’s!) A little grace – giving people more patience than they deserve – can go a long way when you’re in stressful times.
What do you do to get work done despite the irritants?
Leader’s Job 1: Define the Win
March 11, 2009
Hmmm… How do we get to this exit?
Most of the business community is playing defense right now. With seismic shifts in the financial markets, stunning changes in consumer behavior, and layoffs all around, it’s easy to see why. No wonder so many people are looking over their shoulders.
With that trend comes a tendency toward confusion and drift in our organizations. For instance, I was speaking recently with a senior executive who had recently taken on responsibility for a critical strategic function in his company. As he spoke with team members, he realized that they were pretty demoralized but he couldn’t immediately see why. Then it hit him – they had been working hard for over a year on high-profile projects, but they had never really understood what success looked like. As a group of high achievers, they found this extremely frustrating. They didn’t know if or when to celebrate, so the job had just turned into a long slow slog.
As I work with senior leaders and their teams, I’ve come to believe that this is one of the most important (and surprisingly, neglected) roles of a leader – to define the “win.” People desperately want to know what success looks like. Yes, they want to know so that they can see if/when they may receive a bonus or promotion (or in today’s world, keep their position). But even more, the people you really want on your team – the ones who have a self-motivating engine – just get off on achieving success. And most of those high-achievers are very self-critical. If you don’t help them identify and celebrate the achievement of a tangible goal, they will usually feel like they could/should have done more.
In times like these, it’s hard for leaders to step aside long enough to define the win – beyond “survive!!” But it may just be more important now than it ever has been.
Changing the Dance
November 13, 2008
I heard a story once that caught my attention.
A man was walking down a city street when he was approached by a would-be mugger.
“Give me your wallet or I’ll stick you,” he said, flashing a blade.
Barely breaking stride, the man looked at the mugger and said, “What time is it?” The mugger was so caught off guard by the seemingly-out-of-context question that he paused for a few seconds, dumbfounded. And in those few seconds, the man had gained the crucial distance away from him to avoid the mugging.
I don’t know if the story is true, but it illustrates an interesting principle. In so much of our lives, we have fallen into established patterns in how we relate to others. Often we don’t like those patterns very much, but we feel stuck with them.
- A boss doesn’t listen to our ideas.
- Team members fail to take initiative, waiting for your direction.
- A client continually pushes the boundaries on scope.
While these behaviors look like they’re just the annoying actions of another person, they’re actually part of a dance we’re doing with them. Somehow, by what we’re doing or not doing, we’re part of the system. Muggings don’t happen without someone playing the part of mugger and someone playing the part of victim…
Do you want this 
or this? 
So, think about someone whose actions are bugging you right now. How can you change the dance? What unexpected change can you use to shift the dynamics?
And while you’re at it, why not share what you’ve tried to change the dance in your working relationships? What’s worked and where have you just stepped on toes?
Playground Lessons
March 26, 2008
I was traveling last week. Before crashing in my hotel one night, I called home to check in with my family. My 10-year-old son got on the line and we had what began as a typical conversation.
“What happened at school today?” (I’ve learned not to ask “How was school?” since it always gets the same answer – fine!)
“Well, I got in trouble with a teacher today.” (This is pretty unusual for my son, so I was curious.)
He went on to tell me that, while at lunch recess, he had been broken some obscure rule and had been made to stand against the wall for most of the recess rather than play with his friends. For my son, this is worse than having a limb amputated. In his own words, he was very upset.
As I talked with him about the situation, it became clear to me that he didn’t really understand the rule or what he had done to deserve his punishment. But I was still curious what he had gleaned from the experience.
“So what did you learn?” I expected him to say that he learned not to break that rule. I was in for a surprise.
He paused a moment and said, “To stay away from that teacher.”
I had to think about that for a few minutes after hanging up the phone. I realized the simple, profound truth my son had taught me. When we have negative interactions with people and don’t come to a common understanding about why the interaction went south, they learn something about us: that we’re unreasonable, dangerous people to be avoided or defeated. This may work occasionally when you only have to deal with someone a few times or you have the brute force to keep the balance of power in your favor. But if you need that person’s engagement, cooperation, or support at some point, good luck.
So think about your key business relationships: what have your employees, colleagues, customers, and suppliers/partners learned about you recently? Is that what you want them to believe about you? Will those beliefs support your own interests in the long term?
Dirty Word #14 – Listening (It’s about more than just shutting up)
March 3, 2008
I ran into an internationally known speaker and author over the weekend at a dinner party. We had just a few minutes to talk shop and he asked me what I saw as the most common need among leaders when I work with companies.
My answer was simple (and far from unique): Listen more.
In several of my team’s recent assignments, we have been asked to gather feedback on senior leaders and this is the common theme. People around these leaders (above, below, and to the sides) often don’t feel like they’re really being listened to.
Dig beneath the surface and there’s something more profound than the usual advice we get about listening.
- It’s not just avoiding the tendency to interrupt or finish someone’s sentences.
- It’s not just getting rid of distractions like email, cell phones, or papers on the desk.
- It’s not just asking questions.
All of these tactics are good and should be standard for any of us when we are in listening mode. People around us want to feel like they have our undivided attention and these tactics can help with that.
But go even deeper into the feedback and there’s an even more profound (and challenging) truth. The people we interviewed regularly talk about wanting to know that the leader in question is actually open to influence.
Here are the types of things we hear:
- My colleague asks good questions and paraphrases what I said. But she’s already made up her mind and nothing I say will change that.
- My boss does great at listening as long as he agrees with me. Otherwise, he’s just waiting for me to finish so that he can tell me the right answer.
These folks want to be able to say to themselves, “If I tell this person what I really think, he will actually entertain my ideas and may even change his own opinions as a result of the conversation.”
That seems to be more unusual the higher you go in an organization. What’s your experience? And if you see the same trend, what do you think is behind it?
I dare you…
February 25, 2008
In the past few weeks, I’ve had the chance to interview a bunch of smart, young professionals about what it takes to be a “manager of choice.” Most of us can’t choose our manager. (Neither can they.) But there is plenty of research that says that a large proportion of staff satisfaction comes from the quality of interaction with their managers.
I’ll share more about the results of these interviews later, but one thing struck me right away when I reviewed my notes. Almost all of these professionals talked about how self-critical they are and how much they value receiving positive feedback when they do something right. These are all high-performers, not sniveling low-lifes.
When I dug deeper on this issue, they talked about two reasons for the feedback: first, it feels good. Nothing wrong with that! But more importantly, it helps them learn faster. In other words, they notice faster that they’re doing something right and they can extend that proficiency and confidence to other tasks.
So I’ve started challenging some of my leadership clients with a simple dare: I dare you to try to over-do the positive feedback thing. Only two rules: the feedback must be true (people hate sucking up even more than “hard graders”) and it must be specific. “Good job” isn’t as useful as “I noticed that your summary of that point was clear and concise. I think our client will quickly get what we’re trying to say here.”
Anyone want to take the dare?
Gratitude Revisited
November 19, 2007
In an earlier post, I talked about gratitude as a powerful way to build constructive relationships and motivate people. I’ve been struck over the past weeks about how rarely most of us use gratitude in our everyday interactions, especially with co-workers. (I think it’s ironic that we thank customers – who may or may not be with us in a year – and fail to thank our colleagues, many of whom we’ve had with us for years!)
Off the top of my head, I can think of three different organizations/leaders I’m working with right now who have recently received the feedback that their interactions with others are characterized more by criticism than by gratitude or appreciation. Most acknowledge this to be the case. Some even know about research like John Gottman’s that has shown the necessity of an overwhelmingly positive ratio of positive:negative interactions if you want to sustain constructive relationships. (Most are surprised – some to the jaw-dropping level – that Gottman found a necessary ratio of 5:1 positive:negative interactions.)
With Thanksgiving upon us, I want to bring this back to our minds again. Think of one person who has made a positive difference in your organization, your team, or for a client. Name what she did. Describe it so that someone who wasn’t there could really get it. Link those positive actions to the impact on your organization/team/client. Last, imagine the difference it would make if everyone in your team did this same sort of thing over the coming month.
Now the fun part: go share this with the person in question. Do it in your own style, but with the same vivid detail you just imagined. It will cost you precisely five minutes and will dramatically improve the chances you see that behavior again. Plus it will make you and the other person feel pretty good – and there’s something to be said for that.
Heck, for extra credit why not try this with two people??
What can we learn from managing non-profits?
November 15, 2007
One of the things I love about my work is that I get to interact with leaders from all different spheres of influence: professional services firms, commercial companies, and non-profit organizations. I firmly believe that each has lots to learn from the other, which is why I like connecting smart, well-intentioned people from these different arenas.
David Maister poses an intriguing question on his excellent and widely-read blog about managing professional services firms. The essence of his question is as follows:
What are the differences in managing professionals in non-profit organizations vs. for-profit professional firms?
Quite reasonably, David starts off with a discussion about the difference (positive and negative) that access to cash has in the for-profit and non-profit arenas, especially in reference to how you manage key talent. Access to financial rewards certainly can make a difference – although I’d watch the assumption that non-profits have less money available to them than for-profit firms. Even when that’s true (and I know of some pretty well-funded non-profits), the perceptions of the managers and staff about availability of those funds are not always that different.
I generally agree with Jim Collins’ thinking about the differences and similarities between non-profit and for-profit organizations. Excellence and good management are excellence and good management wherever they’re found. Some tools at the disposal of a for-profit manager (career advancement, financial rewards) are sometimes less available to the non-profit manager. But in either setting, you have to get the people-motivation job done and compensation, to David’s point, is usually a blunt-instrument approach to that motivation.
The tool most obviously available to the non-profit leader that is often left on the shelf by for-profit leaders is the appeal to the Big Cause. Most non-profits have an obvious mission that can rally people and help them connect their personal efforts to the good they are trying to accomplish. Lose sight of this, and the non-profit quickly flounders. This is good news, in a weird way, because that loss of momentum is an early warning sign (long before donations dry up) for non-profit leaders. Get back on mission or risk the future of the organization.
I believe that most for-profits can have similarly noble causes to pursue. To their great disadvantage, they often substitute financial gains (which simply allow them to continue another day/month/year) for the Big Cause they could tap into. By doing so, they unwittingly turn their talent into free agents willing to shop themselves to other organizations who can offer better meaning and compensation.
Who else wants to comment? What’s the Big Cause for your organization, whether its’ for-profit or not?