Tough Feedback
June 26, 2006
And now for some of the most challenging parts of coaching a colleague: the tough feedback conversation. Let’s face it, this is why so many of us don’t like to coach. It’s bad enough that you’re investing in someone who may or may not make dramatic progress. It doesn’t help that most of the time you get little praise or tangible reward for your efforts and that the colleague makes progress in fits and starts (hey, they’re human too!). To top it all off, you have to shoot straight with your colleague when he’s just not making the grade.
It all sounds too much like being a parent! Hard work, tough words, uncertain rewards.
But deep down, most of us know that there will be times when we simply have to deliver “constructive” feedback to the people we coach. Sure, we’d like to avoid it and our rationalizers work overtime to work around it, but it’s dangling there right in front of us. We know that he’ll suffer and ultimately we’ll suffer if we don’t buck up and have some courage.
Knowing you have to do it is the easy part – it’s the doing bit that’s tricky.
Let’s start with how not to do it. I’ve helped quite a few people interpret feedback reports from 360 degree feedback over the past 10 years. On one eventful day, I had two clients who reported to the same senior executive process their reports with me in successive one-on-one sessions. I was glad there was a large box of Kleenex in the room. Don’t get me wrong, both of these women are very strong, accomplished professionals. And on the whole, their feedback was pretty positive. But the Big Boss had used a singularly unhelpful feedback approach. In almost every category, she had said that the performance standard she held up was a very high proficiency (5 out of 5 on the scale). And similarly, in nearly every category, she rated these two leaders as mediocre performers (2 or maybe 3 out of 5).
I don’t doubt that this senior leader believed the ratings she gave. I’m just saying they were nearly useless. Both of my clients knew they had development needs. But if everything is a priority and nothing is a strength, it leaves a person – well, in a bit of a pile. And without much direction. And angry. Other than that, it’s a great strategy.
Happily, there are better ways than either avoidance or nuking them until they glow. Here are a few ideas:
- Start by asking yourself, “Have I earned the right with this person to deliver this sort of feedback yet? How much credibility do I have with him? How much does he believe that I want him to succeed?” If you’re concerned about this, start by brainstorming at least three things you can do to build that relational bank account. And get doing it now!
- Assuming you have some money in the bank, choose the most important issues that need to be addressed commensurate with your level of credibility. If you think he can hear you out about how he’s rubbing key client staff wrong, that’s probably more important than the fact that he could use a new tie. Select the issue(s) carefully and strategically.
- At your next coaching meeting (or before if the issue is urgent), be sure to have enough time to deal with this issue. If possible, meet face to face and on “neutral turf”. Tell him that you have an issue you’d like to discuss and you want to be sure you have time to really handle it properly.
- Start by explicitly stating your intent in this conversation. “Jim, I enjoy working with you and believe in your future in the firm. I think you know by now that my primary reason to coach and mentor you is that I want you succeed. I’ve seen something recently that I’d like to discuss with you to help you toward that goal.” Your goal here is to remind Jim that you’re on his team.
- Now just state what you see. Keep it as factual and behavioral as possible. “I notice when we’re on the client site that some of our project team members seem hesitant to talk to you. They come to me instead. When I ask them why they don’t just approach you, they say that they’ve tried and are frustrated because you seem too busy for them or seem irritated by their questions.”
- Take a breath. This is a good time to ask Jim for his point of view on the situation. “What do you see?” is sometimes a good question to ask.
- Help Jim see the impact of his behavior. “Jim, I know how much pressure has been on you with this project, and I also know your aspirations in the firm. Being able to support project teams, especially when they’re under pressure, is a key sign of readiness to step up to bigger responsibilities around here. Can I help you think this through so that you might try a different approach?”
- This is a key moment in the conversation. Jim may be defensive. He may back-pedal or clam up. If that happens, your job is to notice what’s happening in him and simply point it out. “It looks to me like you’re getting a little ticked off about this.” Eventually, our goal is to get Jim to the place where he wants to change because he sees that change will get him what he wants. At that point, we can begin to brainstorm new ways of approaching the same situations – or even better, avoiding them altogether.
When you’ve gotten through this process, you can feel very gratified. You have helped change the momentum of your colleague’s career. You have helped reinforce core values of the firm. You have probably made present and future clients more satisfied. It’s all indirect and may never get noticed.
Except by Jim – and by you.
The Dog Ate My Homework
June 16, 2006
In a recent post, I talked about using homework assignments to gain traction when coaching a colleague. A while back, a client asked me this question:
What do you do when the person you’re coaching hasn’t done their homework?
This client of mine is an immensely successful and capable consultant himself. Like many professionals who coach other smart professionals, he was trying to figure out that difficult dynamic of how hard to push. After all, in his professional service firm setting, partners don’t see another partner (no matter how senior) as their boss. So he intuitively knew that coming down on his colleague would probably take their relationship the wrong direction. His partner would say (or maybe only think), “Who do you think you are?” All of that relational capital built up through the rest of the process could go POOF!
But just ignoring the incomplete homework assignment isn’t very constructive either. Coaching with action is just a nice chat. And while it may be therapeutic, it doesn’t help to achieve the goals of either party OR the firm.
So what to do? Here’s one approach.
Start by looking for trends instead of single incidents. The first time a client doesn’t complete their chosen homework, I listen sympathetically to her reasons. Sure, I may sense there’s a fair degree of fertilizer being thrown around, but everyone has a bad day. And change is difficult for any of us in the best of circumstances. Perhaps she needs to wrestle with the change some more and a little more time will help. Initially, support seems to be the best strategy. Simply talk about the progress she has made and afterwards, help her choose a new set of homework.
Now let’s say that the person has blown it a second time. She had chosen three homework assignments and only got around to one. This time, we have the beginning of a trend. Again, I listen sympathetically, but when it comes time to choose homework, I challenge a bit more.
“I’m most interested in you choosing meaningful homework that you will actually complete,” I say at the close of this session. “How motivating and feasible are these actions to you?” Usually that prompts her to re-think and re-set her sights on a useful, possible next step.
In the unlikely and unfortunate event that the homework is again incomplete at the next session, I’m ready for a more significant conversation. While it’s not an angry one (anger usually has to do with power somehow, and this is not a power relationship anyway), it is energetic.
“Julie,” I might say, “I’m concerned about something. I see a trend here. You choose homework and then don’t complete it. It makes me wonder if we need to change something about how we’re working together. I hate to see you make promises to yourself and not keep them – it’s hurting you and your growth. And it’s not a great use of our time. What do we need to change here?”
This kicks us right back into contracting, a re-negotiation of the relationship. Yes, it’s possible that she will choose to opt out of coaching with you. And that may be a bad move for her (and a slight blow to your ego), but there are a lot of people in your firm who could use your help. It may just not be the right time or the right match at this point.
Of course, it’s equally likely that this direct conversation will help put the whole coaching relationship back on track. And if that’s the case, your colleague will likely thank you for it in the long term.
What other approaches have you seen work to this delicate situation?
Gaining Traction
June 8, 2006
Do you ever feel like you’re working harder than the person you’re coaching? Like you thought they were committed to taking an action and somewhere between your conversations, their tires slipped? Don’t despair and don’t give up. Anyone who has coached for more than a month has had this happen. More than once, I’ve come to a coaching session and asked my client what they’ve done since our last conversation only to be greeted by deafening silence.
What to do? Well, you can start by looking backwards in the process. Have you earned the right to play an influential mentoring role in your colleague’s career? Have you found a focus that’s motivating to your colleague and that plays to your strengths?
But let’s assume that’s all good. What else can you do? One option is to tap into the natural desire people have to keep explicit promises. As you begin to work with your colleague, you’ll have conversations where you brainstorm actions he can take to overcome an obstacle or achieve a milestone. There will come a point in that conversation that’s the magic moment, the moment of choice. Your colleague has intellectually outlined courses of action. But they must not stay intellectual. They must turn into action. And you can help. How? By asking the Golden Question.
And what, you may ask, is the Golden Question?
Please don’t be disappointed at its simplicity. Here it is:
What do you want to do?
There may be a pause. Don’t rush to fill it. Let him squirm as an action threatens to escape from his brain to his will.
Whatever she says, this response becomes your colleague’s homework, her explicit promise to herself (and you) of what she’ll actually do. Because coaching is, after all, all about doing.
To wrap up the promise, try this: Jot a quick email to your colleague after the meeting, thanking him for the time and noting what he agreed to do and when you agreed to check in with him next about that action. (Even better, get him to write the note!)