Dirty Word #13 – Sorry
December 12, 2007
Songwriters tell us that “Sorry” is the hardest word for a human to utter. But in his latest book, renowned executive coach Marshall Goldsmith says that saying sorry is a great approach to improving relationships and moving on to the future.
Apologizing is one of the most powerful and resonant gestures in the human arsenal—almost as powerful as a declaration of love. It’s “I love you,” flipped on its head. If love means, “I care about you and I’m happy about it,” then an apology means, “I hurt you and I’m sorry about it.” Either way, it irrevocably changes the relationship between two people, compelling them to move forward into something new and, perhaps, wonderful together.
The best thing about apologizing is that it forces everyone to let go of the past. In effect, you are saying, “I can’t change the past. All I can say is I’m sorry for what I did wrong. I’m sorry it hurt you. There’s no excuse for it and I will try to do better in the future. I would like your ideas on how I can improve.”
This kind of statement is hard for even the most cold-hearted among us to resist. And when you use it on coworkers, it can dramatically change how they feel about you and themselves.
I saw this played out dramatically when I was coaching a negotiating team trying to mend fences with its company’s most important strategic supplier – one without which the company would have to shut its doors. I called in a favor and asked Bill Ury, one of the world’s leading negotiation consultants, to join a call with my client and give his input. After listening to the situation, Bill paused a moment and said quietly, “Have you tried apologizing for the past?”
I whacked myself on the forehead and thought, “Why didn’t I think of that?”
Sure enough, that simple apology paved the way for a productive conversation between the two sides that eventually led to a workable solution.
Besides a brain cramp, why don’t we apologize more and defend less? What important business relationship could you re-set with a simple apology?
An alum’s leadership lessons from the first 90 days
December 6, 2007
I have the good fortune of having a growing group of past clients who have agreed to be Noonday alumni. One of the gifts they regularly give me is the gift of their experience. I got such a gift over lunch a couple of weeks ago. I met with an alumnus who is just completing his first 90 days in a critical leadership role in his company.
In the spirit of a true Noonday alum, he encouraged me to share these lessons with the rest of you. (By the way, he’s been tremendously successful this year, pulling off an unprecedented set of initiatives.)
So from one talented, successful leader to all of you, here goes:
- Resist the urge to clean house immediately. “People in my group walked on eggshells, waiting for the ‘other shoe to drop.’ I decided to prove them wrong about that belief and hold fire.”
- Don’t wait too long to make changes. “My strength – wanting to prove my team wrong – became my weakness. I see people changes I need to make, but now my managers resist my attempts to make moves. ‘You can’t fire them now – they’re finally trying!’”
- Enroll your managers in the changes you make. “I saw that a core flaw of our department was the inability to continuously develop people. But instead of teaching my leaders to pull this off themselves, I jumped into the gap and did it myself. Now at the end of my first year in this role, I realize I should have gotten my managers to rigorously evaluate, engage, and develop the people in our group. It’s a core value for me and it needs to become a core value for them.”
Hindsight is always 20/20. Any of you who are recently through the first 6-12 months of a new role have something to add?
The Long Way Around Can Be the Fastest Way Home
December 3, 2007
A lot of my work is with technically brilliant people who now have to influence people to do things (aka leadership and business development/sales!). In a recent engagement with managers from an amazingly successful and respected professional firm, I listened to a group of rising leaders talk about how they tried to influence the associates beneath them in the firm.
Many times it goes well. But sometimes it goes poorly. And when it goes poorly, it seems to often follow this basic pattern:
- I tell people what to do
- They don’t do it (or don’t do it as well/quickly/efficiently as I’d like)
- I put more structure to it and tell them to do it again – more LOUDLY this time
- They still don’t meet my standards
- I get frustrated, blame them, and eventually give up and do it myself!
These managers are very bright people. And they’re usually trying to get from point A to point B in the most direct route (i.e. telling people what to do!). This is because they’re busy trying to meet demands of clients and colleagues, not because they woke up and wanted to be jerks that day.
As I think about this, it seems like these ambitious managers think leadership is something you do to people. One profound thing about leadership (which is essentially influence) is that it must be two-way for it to work. If you are always on send mode, those you are trying to influence will simply switch you off.
So this leads to my core question: When is the long way around the fastest way home? And what have you tried to make influence with those you lead a two-way street?